krishna within me

Karan was born of affluent parents who had lots of money but very little time forhim. As a child he desperately sought affection which was severely lacking in hislife-always being surrounded on the other hand by servants & materialistic goodswhich his parents showered to compensate for their absence in his life. He grew up with a calm façade which told nothing of the contents behind that maskbut there was this huge void inside him which floated mindlessly within his system.Just as the universe doesn’t approve of a vacuum & rushes to fill it up with air,similarly Karan’s void was gradually filled with question questions & still morequestions. With years the questions became more complex but lacking in anydirection. When he questioned people trying to get an answer to his innumerable queries he wasmisunderstood as trying to show off his smartness & quick wit- as unfortunately thecommon mass of humanity too busy in their materialistic worlds content inworshipping Mammon ,had neither the inclination nor the time to answer Karan’squestions, his questions held no meaning for them. Something that they didn’tunderstand they avoided. So they turned a deaf ear to the cries of Karan’s soul…..as the cries became louder & louder with time the people around him became more &more opaque to his needs. Karan struggled within himself searching for appeasement,searching for approval , fighting a never ending struggle with himself. Godhra was all over the papers. Senseless violence which had unleashed fiends inhuman shape where they slaughtered each other in the name of religion. Karan thoughtabout the genesis of such emotions whose generation being within the very depths ofthe human soul had the capacity to kill the very source of its existence. A humanbeing moved to such intensities of emotional turmoil that he completely ceased to bea human. He had good Muslim friends who all of a sudden started avoiding him& he could notunderstand the reason behind it all.Well the question of their religious beliefshadn’t occurred before this-they had eaten the same food, hung around the sameplaces even stayed in each others houses-how could one such instance change the bondwhich years of camaraderie had built up. He had no problems in whichever form of Godthey chose to worship & as far as he could remember they had played Holi with him &participated in a number of family functions. But it was as if overnight all of themhad turned into complete strangers. He was witness to an aspect of their personalitywhich he never knew existed. His confusion grew. Karan himself had been very moved by the communal violence which had rockedGujarat.He had been in Ahmedabad at that time & the gory sights which he witnessedwould be etched in his mind forever.They had left a deep impression on him. Hisfaith in humanity had been badly shaken. He thot that if one man could do this to another man then beasts were muchbetter off than us; even they didn’t harm pregnant women. He had heard talesfrom his ayah that whenever they had to go to a nearby village they had to crossa jungle & they made sure that they took a a pregnant woman along with them asthe beasts didn’t harm pregnant women so the others were safe in their presence. And here men were slitting women’s wombs to kill the unborn child, the most harmlessform of nature!! What harm can a child who has not even seen the light of the daypossibly do. Only Hitler has been known to commit such atrocities on human race.It’s as if Hitler had been reborn in this century to spread the disease of his mindamong the humans & had them transformed into barbarians. Perfectly normal people going about their day to day work had overnight becomefiends-----slaughtering people without a whiff affecting their conscience. What was it that had turned these ordinary men hailing from ordinary middle & lowerclass back grounds into raging maniacs killing people in dozens. Is there a demon in all of us lying inside drugged? Human beings after having progressed so far & achieved all that we seem to have ,inreality have achieved very little; as inspite of the technological advancement we’venot been very successful in developing as human beings. We also run after our basicneeds as the members of the animal kingdom do & their fulfillment is the only thingwe care for , we seldom look for anything beyond, so engrossed we at amassing more &more material goods for ourselves. In our stratified society the people in the lower rungs are only worried about food, clothes & shelter, their finer emotions have not even developed & they’ve onlytaken birth in a human form & that’s where their similarity with other members ofthe society ends. As we go higher the ladder man learns to educate himself & widens his thinking process. Education gives him money & he starts thinking of waysto multiply it & then use it for his betterment & material comforts. The man insidehim is as barren as ever. Not an ounce of effort is made to increase the spiritualplane of the man within. Karan could not explain it to all & sundry that he was only searching for answers ofquestions which tormented his soul- questions which pricked his ever activeconscience, which didn’t let him sleep at nights . We kill because of the different ways we name Him??. We call him Bhagwan & they callHim Allah & that’s a great big deal!!!. why prayer is a cry of the soul; our innerintense need to connect ourselves with god, to tell him of our desires , our wishes& hoping he would fulfill them as we are all his children. It’s something so private& so pure then why bind it in rules ? I’m sure god didn’t tell these people theperfect way to pray & the means by which he’s going to be best pleased. Karan hadthis intense need to be with the Supreme one & ask him- “When you created man didyou put hate in his heart? why didn’t you make him incapable of such destructiveemotions. Why did you flaw in creating your so called “best creation”. Why make himthe way you did? You gave him a heart & he hated his own fellow brothers; You gavehim a brain to elevate his position from the rest of the bestial world & he devisedmethods to destroy the Universe & in turn destroy his own existence. How can you be proud of something like this?” Karan wanted to transcend this world & get a feel of what lay beyond . A guy from the college said he had experienced sheer bliss – a mental plane wherethere are no questions& where peace & contentment reigned supreme. “One is sosatisfied that you experience the sensation of floating in mid air” said the guy. Hepromised to take Karan the next time he visited this new age temple, where they hadfound answers for every question ; where mere mortals had failed they had won. It was a small dingy room –with psychedelic lights, trance music & a lot of smokeall around. That’s what this new place looked like to Karan as he entered. Peoplewere lying in every conceivable position smoking , chatting or simply lying- ;there was one common element which ran through them -all of them seemed happy withlife-they were laughing smiling or simply smoking. They welcomed Karan as one oftheir own & Karan had never witnessed such a show of warmth & acceptance before.These perfect strangers had no qualms as to who he was or what he did , they justenjoyed the togetherness & smoked , welcoming anyone & everyone into their world. He went & sat next to a man with long hair & long beard who was chanting Sanskritshlokas .He sat there not out of choice but that was the only place where he couldsqueeze himself in. The bearded man asked Karan to repeat the shlokas after him &passed him the joint he was smoking. Karan accepted it hesitantly quite unsure whatto do otherwise. The first few puffs felt nothing & he became bolder. Gradually thedual effect of the constant chanting & the drug started having a hypnotic effect onKaran & he felt his consciousness slowly slipping away .He started swaying to thebeat of music which was been played in the background. The bearded man prophesized that our doom was very near & that we were all going toperish- “Mankind is going to be punished for its deeds. But don’t you worry “he toldKaran, “when this calamity befalls on the human race our saviour will save us . you & me will be safe.& we will accompany Him to the enlightened world.” Karan could understand nothing of what was being said , he just nodded his head inaffirmation. He could hear the man’s voice echo into his subconscious mind & he fellinto a trance… he could see his past life float infront of his eyes & disappear in apuff of smoke. He remembered his parents & other relationships which he had had in the past. Hefelt that there was something grossly lacking in him as he was never able to keephis relationships with anyone. Some formed relationship for money others for someother vested interest but no one really had ever formed a relationship with Karanjust for his sake. He felt a sense of deep sadness within his soul & he had thisgreat temptation to scream out loud to deaden the pain. Then he passed out. When he woke up he found himself back in his room. He closed his eyes again. Hetried to recollect the events of the previous night , wondering whether it was justa figment of his imagination or whether all that had really happened. As he tried toget out of bed he had a throbbing headache. He called out for his servant & orderedhim to get a glass of water. As his servant was about to leave ,Karan asked him, asan after thought ,as to how he made it home the previous. To which his servantreplied that a friend had dropped him home in a semi-conscious state. Karan inquiredabout his parents , mainly to know whether they were aware of the event; “ saheb & memsaheb had gone to an overnight party & have not returned yet” Karan dismissed the servant with the waive of his hand & thot bitterly , “ when havethey ever been concerned about my whereabouts, what I do ,where I go, what I eat ;now atleast I know that those experiences were for real” Karan had given up on his parents long time ago, he knew they couldn’t be lessbothered about him so busy they were with their social & pvt lives; & in this stateof mental anguish he doses off to sleep. Karan knew doping was not a good thing but he felt that no one really cared forhim & it was his feeling of hurt which actually pushed him harder into the worldof drugs. He liked this world of make belief where his mind was at peace & he hadthe sensation of floating….there was no gravitational pull to keep him tied to theworld. Karan had never really been close to anyone therefore he guarded his inner self veryzealously & shared it with no one. In the past his good intentions had always beenmisunderstood & had landed him into real trouble a no. of times---- it had requiredlengthy explanations before people believed him ,if at all they did, of his innocentintentions. He had vowed thereafter never to do a scouts good turn ever again in hislife & would henceforth strictly mind his own business. But Karan basically a good human being felt strongly about certain issues faced byhim & others being members of the society. He felt the need to do something tochange the present scenario for something much better. Solutions evaded him as usual& he kept performing sporadic acts in hope of striking at the right key some day…maybe that day was just around the corner, who knew! He kept going to that bearded man to hear more from him. From him he heard for thefirst time about the law of “karma” or cause & effect. According to the law ofkarma, every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in exactproportions… what we sow is what we reap. When we choose positive emotions &behavior patterns for others the same is reciprocated as the fruit of our karma. Karma is the eternal assertion of human freedom….. our thoughts , our words & deedsare the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves said swami vivekanand. Karan was forced to think what was his karma? Have I made the correct choices in mylife ? am I happy with the choices I’ve made? Can I rectify them & bring aboutchanges in my life & others? Is it really possible? He returns home deep in thought. He wanted to know more about it & how could he goabout accomplishing it, would it in any way affect him & the society? He goes backto the bearded man with these questions. The bearded man listened to his queries &asked him to close his eyes. He said whenever you make a choice just ask yourselfthese questions----“ what will be the consequences of this choice I’m making?” & “Will this choice bring fulfillment & happiness to me & also to those who areaffected by this choice?” “then ask your heart for the correct guidance & be guidedby your intuition. If the choice feels comfortable plunge into it without furtherinhibitions. But if the choice feels uncomfortable, pause & see the consequenceswith an inner vision. This guidance will enable you to make spontaneously correctchoices for yourself & those around you.” When Karan returned home he was at peace with himself. At last he had seenlight at the end of the road , he realized that the answers to the variousquestions lay within his own self, only he had to delve into it a littledeeper. His search had ended. He realized he had been like the kasturi mrig(deer) who keeps searching for the source of the sweet fragrance it smells atall times, little realizing that the source of the sweet smell lay within it’sown being. so many people lead lives searching for that special something &then dying for it, little realising that the very thing they spent their livessearching for was all along within them only they were too myopic to realise
it!