mira....Krishna within me

Mira Rain has washed the streets of its dust & grime but Meera is too preoccupied tonotice her surroundings. Her mind is turning round & round the incidents thathave occurred during the day. Ravi had come & sat next to her He was beingfriendly or there was more to it.Her mind had been too puzzled to pay rapt attention to his incessant chatter. These 3 years of hostel life had exposed her to every facet of human life. Initiallyit had been quite a culture shock from the sheltered existence at home. Theacceptance of this new world had been gradual, initially she had been wary ofalmost everybody who came near her but eventually Meera had come to accept the waysof life of her friends. Though she’d kept herself quite aloof from all of it –beingone of them & yet very different. All her friends had boyfriends but she still didn’t have one. She heard theirexplicit romantic escapades –quite unaffected. At times she wondered whether she hadlost the sensitivity to feel such things or be excited by it. Would she even feellike a normal teenager be excited as they seemed with such trifle matters. She laughed & joked with them but kept her inner world locked away to which only shehad the key. She still remembered the first time a boy came up to ask her name-she was almoststupefied-her ears turned hot-& the same sensation spread through her body & hertongue stuck to her upper palate. She had murmured her name- the rest was a blur. Now of course she had seasoned with time. She could comfortably converse with boyson an informal level but didn’t let anyone near her emotionally. She guarded herinner self zealously not letting anyone take a peek –she wanted to portray herselfas a strong individual & wouldn’t let anything come in her way. Her friends tried topair her up with a number of boys but without success.What they couldn’t understandwhy Meera being so pretty,witty & intelligent , didn’t she let a man in her life. The reason perhaps was hidden in her past . that dark bleak past which Meera hadleft far far behind. It was as if she had donned a new identity, a nouveaupersonality that was a stark contrast to her past self, infact if her friends fromschool were to see her now they would find it hard to believe that it’s that sameMeera who was apprehensive of even her own shadow. This confident & modern girl oftoday with definite & strong views was a far cry from the Meera of yesteryears. Meera is returning home from school, she is too preoccupied to notice hersurroundings, her mind filled with proceedings of the day.. she wraps the scarftighter around herself as an imaginary shield from the wolves of lust. She wants tobreak free; the desperation is so great that she breaks into tears. The innocent struggle of a girl trapped in a woman’s body. Her body has matured intoit’s womanly form but the child inside her has not grown in the same measure & isunable to take in the lustful glares of the men around her. The fiends came in allshapes, the auto-driver who wants to take her to college…..”say choti memsaab wheredo you want to go?” & those eyes travel all over her body..a feeling of loathing &disgust envelopes her; she walks away faster, but the man continues to pester maybesensing her discomfiture. Just then Smitha’s apparition floated by….. it even had a voice!,” hi! Want a lift?Meera nodded relieved to see the apparition take a human shape. She turned around tosee the auto-rickshaw driver standing there brooding over the lost customer. ”whocares as long as I’m safe!”. As soon as her mind relaxed she started chatting with Smitha,the college gatesloomed before her. Standing next to the gate there was that watchman who silentlygreeted her everyday with that annoying smile on his face. How she wished she couldwipe it off forever. What could be the meaning of such a sinister smile? Sheshuddered to think. Then the man behind the canteen counter trying to do her small favours-giving her anextra dollop of ice-cream with that indulgent smile. Oh she felt like throwing itright back & smearing his face with it. Oh god she wasn’t safe anywhere ! what has this world come to,” is there any placeon the surface of this earth where I can actually set myself free from the ragingmonsters inside & outside me. Will i ever feel the fresh caress of wind on my facethat doesn’t threaten me… when will that time come … oh lord make it come soon elseI’ll stop breathing one of these days,it’s stifling me I can’t live like thisanymore” she says in silent prayer. As she reaches home there was that horrible looking liftman who would extend hishand everytime to usher her inside the lift just to get a touch of her young skin &letting it linger a few seconds longer than necessary. “Oh how I hate this worldfull of men. These lecherous hounds all out to get me . God please please help me. She took the stairs more often just to avoid him. Today he was standing there withhis open lift door to welcome her, Meera averts his eyes & runs for the stairs.“Aare aare betia come here, the lift is all yours. Why are you taking the stairs?But Meera was gone. Tears streaming down her eyes she sits in front of the window & looks down on theroad. She sees a group of guys dressed in leather jackets & jeans speed away intheir bikes whistling loudly. One of them seeing her at the window waves, shewithdraws instinctively as if stung- the piercing whistling sound penetrates hersoul & she quickly draws the blinds to cut herself from the outside world. She feelssecure in the confines of the room , quite removed from the turbulence outside. Shefelt very lonely & deserted, no one seemed to be concerned about how she felt,everybody busy in their own worlds fighting their own battles didn’t have slightestof clue as to what Meera had to face on a day to day basis; her family thot she wasbeing moody or plain sissy just to attract attention to herself.; her mental anguishwas known only to her. Didi tried to help but she always went overboard in trying toprove her point & Meera was as lost as ever. Actually all these demons of lust & desire had been conjured up by Meera’s everfertile imagination. The poor girl was trapped in her own world ; her cries for helpgoing unheard in the outside world. Meera struggles to calm herself ; she tries to keep her sanity intact treading thatfine line which demarcates the sane world from the insane. The insight into thewolfish glares of men had dawned upon her & her perspective about them had changedforever on that fateful day when didi was molested by the household help Ramu. Hewas a young teenage boy who had come to live with them. As he was old Dinanath’snephew , nobody gave it a second thought. Dinanath had stayed with the family foralmost two generations now. It had shattered the family. Meera stricken to the core had watched her sisterfight against the lecherous fangs of this monster of lust from behind the door ofher room, being the sole witness of this gory sight. She stood there for hours asif she had grown roots----- too shocked to move to reality& her little world hadturned black forever. It had taken a long time for Meera’s sister to heal, the process was slow buteventually she was able to put together the pieces of her life & move on, her familyplayed a huge role in resurrection . She got back to life with a vengeance. She wasout there as a voice for all those who had faced similar catastrophes but had notbeen able to stand up for their rights. She was fire personified, the ragingturbulence within her found expression in different forms, one being strong as abrick wall for her little sister Meera, but no one knew that Meera had scarredbeyond repair. The turmoil she faced in her little world was hidden from all &sundry. It’s her 15th birthday. Smitha insists that she wear a skirt this time as she wasextremely loyal to her good old salwar kurta. It was a comfortable armour behindwhich Meera hid herself. After much cajoling & persuading Smitha succeeds in hermission. Meera agrees to wear a skirt , “but only for half an hour”, she firmlystates. In her mind Meera reasons that after all they were going to the nearbybarista joint for a cup of coffee , in about half an hour ,people would hardlynotice her; moreover that was the only way to stop Smitha’s constant bickering. When they reached barista it was nearly vacant except for a couple of tablesoccupied by a group of boys obviously enjoying themselves. They stopped theirchatter to look at the girls as they entered. Smitha enjoyed the attention that cametheir way but Meera was instantly on her guard. She hardly heard what Smitha saidbeing too preoccupied with to make sense of Smitha’s incessant chatter. As shemusters courage to look at the distant table , she caught sight of two of the boys1st looking at her then her legs. Meera unsuccessfully tries to pull down her skirt.She looks away. After some time she bravely looks again, this time the boys makeappreciative gestures, but somehow Meera misunderstands those gestures as she is toobiased to think otherwise. Coffee mocha turns to ashes in her mouth & she flees as her eyes are filled withstinging drops of water, a blinding light flashes across. She sees light everywhere-a huge expanse of white light emanating from every corner. She finds herself walkingtowards the light, she keeps walking without a sense of direction. She loses trackof time. She’s tired to the bones but it seems as if her feet have developed a mindof it’s own &she continues to walk. All of a sudden she sees a huge sign of “om”infront of her at a distance. It glows with an orange light of its own , she shieldsher eyes from the glow , she also feels it’s warmth & she blacks out. Meera’sparents take her to the psychiatrist. She undergoes treatment for 3 yrsbefore she is termed normal & confident to face the world on her own. It was her own conscious decision to study law & stay away from her family in ahostel so as to prove her worth to herself as well as to the society. Her Father hadageed to send her away after a lot of persuations & cajoling from the family. Meeraseemed well on her path to achieve what she had striven for. Sudha, one of her good friends felt that Meera liked Abhi more than the others, butdidn’t seem interested to forward their relationship in any direction. One day Meera received a brief note “ can you meet me in the Canteen tomorrow ataround 9.30 am? Will wait for you- Abhi. She turned it over but it was blank on the other side. The note seemed innocentenough.The simple messge was loud & clear but it had made Meera’s mind workedovertime- she kept thinking why would Abhi wish to meeet her? What was it that hewished to discuss. Why not come directly & ask. All through the day she could hardlyconcentrate on anything else.She maintained a calm façade, but a simple little notehad turned her world topsy- turvy. Tanvi had handed over the note to her in the morning & even before she couldinquire anything about it she had disappeared. Meera wondered if it was intentional. Usually late in the evenings Meera & her group of friends got together at the nearbychaiwala & exchanged notes. Meera was exceptionally quiet this evening. She wantedto share her thots with her friends but was unsure as to what their reaction wouldbe… “they would surely laugh at me , they would probably think I’m being silly” thotmeera shall I tell them about the note ‘ shall I take them into confidence , maybethey can come up with an explanation”. She then subconsciously started Abhi’scharacter analysis. He seemed a sober decent type of guy .Quite studious too, as hewas good in studies, that she knew from general reports. All of a sudden she findsSmitha jerking her to make herself heard-“Hey what’s wrong with you? Are yousleeping on your feet? I’ve asked you a question three times without receiving ananswer.” “What”, asks Meera all of a sudden realizing she didn’t have a clue as towhat Smitha was saying, she’d been busy with her own thoughts to pay any attentionto them. “Are you coming to the movie tonight with us or not & I’m not going to ask you onemore time . Have you turned deaf all of a sudden?” “Yeah, Yeah I will, Sure.” Shescolded herself –“I’m blowing things out of proportion – from now on I am not goingto think about it for another moment.” They had a quick dinner so that they couldcatch the movie at 9pm .She sat through the first half of the Movie determined notto give the note any more thought. She tried to concentrate on what was happeningon the screen. It was one of those action flicks where there was no need to thinkmuch. Meera was just beginning to relax & enjoy the movie –when the lights came on& it was intermission. Ria asked if she would like to have some coffeee as she was going to get some forherself – Meera nodded her head in affirmation. She stood & stretched her legs –torelieve it from its numbness.All of a sudden she caught sight of someone waving toher from the other end of the hall. She looked more intently to see it was Abhi. Hewas with a group of friends. She managed a smile. Thankfully the lights went outjust then & the movie started. After the movie Meera’s eyes kept searching for Abhi in the crowd but he seemed tohave disappeared. At night she kept tossing in her bed. She was quite exhausted with the days events & fell into a disturbed sleep. To Meerait seemed that she had slept only for a few minutes when her alarm started to ring.She opened her heavy eyelids only to see that it was 7 am. Her eyes heavy with sleepwere refusing to open when suddenly she remembered her rendezvous with Abhi! Shealmost jumped out of the bed ,the reaction had been quite instantaneous. She reached the Canteen at 9.30 am sharp She didn’t want to reach early & reveal heranxiousness. Abhi was already there, he was accompanied by a boy & a girl, all ofthem were sipping coffee. He seemed quite relaxed. As soon as he saw her he stood upto greet her. He introduced her to his friend & her sister. “Hi Meera! Meet Rahul &Sneha. Rahul is a very old friend of mine. We went to the same boarding school. Thisis his sister Sneha. Rahul has come to drop her off. She is a fresher, & has justjoined our college. Incidentally she hails from your city. As she knows no one so Ithought maybe y uld help her around a bit. Moreover people from the same city bondwell.!” “So that was it!!” Was Meera’s first reaction ,“& I have been spending a sleeplessnight over this meeting”. Abhi couldn’t judge Meera’s reaction by her silence, so herepeated his request. “Oh I heard you the first time”, Meera snapped back. “Sure why not; I will be happyto help her out. If that’s all then I’ll hurry to my class now I have a lecture toattend at 10”. “Oh thanks” said Abhi “why don’t you have a cup of coffee with us.You still have 20 minutes in your hand before your class starts.” “ No thanks I have to return a book, so I’ll be off to the library now.See youlater” meera wanted to be out of there as fast as possible. Meera was strangely disappointed . She was unable to understand her own reactions.Not that she had expected anything beforehand but it was certainly not what she wasconfronted with. She chided herself on uselessly giving it so much importance &making a mountain out of a mole hill. Meera was a very active member of the social service club & any atrocities to womanincensed her. It was in the papers everyday but somehow she was the only one whoseemed to be affected by all this –no one else seemed to be bothered, they werehappy to lead their cocooned existences as long as they remained untouched. “How canpeople be so callous & insensible & be content in living their closed lives when theothers suffered”- Meera wondered. “Don’t you understand” Meera reasoned, “today if you don’t standup for a change &unite against all wrong done, then tomorrow God forbid,if it happens to you, no onewill come forward to help you”. Her friends laughed at her passionate pleas& asked her to “chill out” . What’s wrong with them?, she wondered or is it me? Is something wrong with me? Am Ireacting too strongly? But how can one be calm with something like this. A girl from the nearby College was gang raped in a van by a group of men when shewas returning home from College. The news spread like wildfire in all the adjoiningcampuses. The security in the girls Hostels were hiked up overnight & they wereforbidden to venture out late in the evenings. Meera & her friends were discussing about this & she suggested that they should allhelp the Police to track down the culprits. Its an absolute must that the culpritsbe tracked down to stop the repetition of such a heinous crime. “ We should be more careful, but that doesn’t mean that we stay locked up in ourhostels. It’s quite stupid really –just because a girl was raped the hostel gateswould close at 8.00 pm.” “How can you be such a dimwit? What happened to her could happen to you for thatmatter to any of us. Better take precautions than cry later”. “Oh come on now stop preaching !& how can we help the police-how would we know whothey were..” “Now Meera let the police do their work & you concentrate on yours. It really isnone of our business. Moreover I am almost definite that after a couple of weeksthings would return to normal & we would be allowed to stay out late as usual”. “Let it happen soon ya otherwise what’ll happen to my dates with Rahul. We usuallymeet at 6.30-7.00. Now we’ll get just ½ an hour together that’s too less ya, & allbecause of this unnecessary hype.” Meera blasted “ How can you girls just go on like this All this has been done foryour protection & safety & instead of helping the authorities with it you arecursing them. Shame on you.” The girls made a face at Meera “ Oh Meera you are just so irritating at times. Berealistic & they left her alone to brood. Next day Meera tried to get in touch with the victim but was told that she has beensent home as she needed time to recover. She came back & went to her room–it was vacant. She thought of going to her friendsroom but checked her step- they would never understand what she has to say. Sheplonked herself on the bed & wondered about their insensitivity. Life did resume its normalcy after a couple of weeks –it’s great capacity to springback into action & ofcourse people with their short term memory soon forget anyway.Soma’s prophecy was proved right, rules were slackened & they were allowed to stayout late. Everything went back to what it had been. Meera was shocked to see thatafter a couple of weeks, her friends had forgotten the incident completely. Social service club – visited slums on Fridays. Meera met Vidya there. Vidya workedas a household help in the nearby locality. She had seemed a cheerful person whenMeera had last met her. This time round Vidya refused to open the door. AfterMeera’s persistent knocking she opened the door. She had covered her face with hersaree pallu & Meera noticed that her face was badly bruised. She was shocked to seeher in this state. Vidya unwillingly let her in. She told her about her alcoholic husband & how he hadhit her the previous night as she had refused to give him any money. Meera at once asked her to accompany her to the Police Station where she could lodgea complaint against her husband. But Vidya refused. No amount of brainwashing &cajoling had any effect on her. She remained stubbornly defiant. -“after all he is my husband, he has the right to hit me, why are you interfering.Atleast he is not like Sita’s husband who forces her to sleep with other men. Sowhat if he has hit me. The wounds would heal. Namaste Behenji,you can go now”. Shewas downright rude. Meera had no other choice but to leave. This attitude of acceptance of wrong & then justification of it was bugging Meerano end. She didn’t understand why people didn’t have the courage to take a stand &stop the wrong. Only if they demanded change & worked towards it could they bringabout change. How else would they get a better world to live in ? why do theywillingly continue to grovel in the grime??… at least they seemed quite happy withit. Only it was she who was getting hyped up & then snubbed for trying to help themsee the right thing. How frustrating. Another incident soon came up which increased Meera’s urgency for change & also therealization that if that change was to come about, she herself would have to dosomething about it single handedly. One day she returned from her college to see the door of her room closed. As shepushed it, she realized that it was locked from inside. She was about to knock whenshe heard the sound of someone crying softly. Then she heard her room mates voicebut she could not hear anything clearly. She stood there indecisively for a moment,then decided to knock. She had had a very tiring day & wanted to change & shower.Onher first knock everything became quiet inside. She waited for sometime beforeknocking for the second time. This time it was opened by Angelina, her room mate.Her _expression was very pensive, she was accompanied by another girl. Angelina introduced her as her elder sister. Meera wished her. She observed her facewas tear-stained & realized it was she who was crying. Meera asked if everythingwas all right. Angelina replied in the affirmative. There was a tense silence in theroom. Meera’s logical mind told her not to bother after all it was their life & ifthey don’t want to discuss it was fine but the person she was she couldn’t stopherself. Obviously there is something wrong because I heard you crying from outside the door,but if you are unwilling to share it its all right. Both sisters exchanged guilty glance & then Angelina spoke up. She told Meera howher sister was being sexually harassed by her boss & she was unable to take it anylonger.It was not possible for her to quit the job as they had lost their fatherearly in life & had been bought up by their mother who taught in a near by schoolwhich didn’t pay well. Meera was outraged “ but you must tell your higher ups immediately, & it should behe who should be quitting his job not you. Angelina’s sister let out a quiet sob & replied “He’s quite influential, my voicewill not be heard,moreover I will get a bad name.He has threatened me with direconsequences.” But hell! You are being victimized, do stop him. Do stand up against him. “Hey Meera” said Angelina, Thanks for your concern, but let us handle this in our way Meera goes to the library to quiten the voices which were screaming inside her head.The cool silent atmosphere where everybody had their noses deep inside their bookshad a strange calming effect on Meera. She absentmindedly picked up a book from therack which had “SPIRITUAL” written on it with bold letters. The book was titled “the spiritual laws which lead to success & fulfillment”. As she turned the pages shecame across a quote from the brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5. the quote said You are what your deep driving desire is As your desire is , so is your will As your will is , so is your deed As your deed is ,so is your destiny Meera read it again & again to understand the true implication of the saying. Slowlythe meaning dawned on her & realization struck like a lightening. “ so it’s in ourown hands to mould our destiny—our deep desires is the strong driving force” Meeramurmured to herself. “ so I can get what I want & no earthly force can stop me fromgetting it”, the thot itself filled her with a newfound strength & courage. A minuteago the same world which had seemed so dark & unrelenting to her was now full ofpossibilities, everything seemed possible now. One simple universal truth had shownMeera the way. Inherent in every intention & desire is the mechanics for it’sfulfillment….intention & desire in the field of pure potetiality have infiniteorganising power. and when we introduce an intention in the fertile ground of pure
potentiality, we put this infinite organizing power to work for us.